Yeah, I’m working on it. I’m working towards everything. Every vision I see for myself. Working towards that. Getting back to myself. The best version of me...before it was tainted by life situations. But while living on with the knowledge of, and the lessons. I’m working on it, I’m working on me. Honestly letting things go, being honest with myself about what I want for me. And taking the necessary steps to move towards that. Towards and in alignment with everything that I want for myself. I will never understand a lot of the things that has happened to me. I will never fully grasps the levels of disrespect or the selfishness I’ve experienced...but it’s not on me. I can only pour my juice. I can only be responsible for what I pour out, and to where and who I pour out to...at this point, I’m taking some responsibility in what I receive. because how many times did I get a sign and ignored it. How many times has someone told me who they were before I took their word for it. I’m working on it. I’m working on trusting myself. Trusting my gut, trusting my intuition. Getting comfortable with the person I AM. Comfortable and confident in her. I’m working on RE-becoming ME. The way I was meant to be, and love and feel.
Love being my greatest place of work. I find it’s where I may need the most work. Or most healing. An actual honest healing, not your typical, patch up with another broken guy, to get over the last guy. Eventually I want the real thing. So, I gotta be the real thing. I need to come into my fullness to then expect and accept someone in theirs. How could I expect for someone to show up when I am unable to show up. How could I accept someone without healing the wounds that are possibly responsible for pushing people away. Since, because of my past hurts, I can confidently say “all of you niggas is wack!” and actually mean it. (as if good guys don’t exist, while also wanting a good guy of my own one day.) How that go? I’m working on it. Working on myself; by myself. Not saying one can’t be of help to get there...just think there is some individual work to be done. And that should probably never stop…like ever. I can vaguely remember growth stunts while in past relationships. Because of past relationships. The repetitiveness, the routine relationship of everything we thought it should be, or everything that looked and sounded good. It all played a part. The exact reasons for these growth stunts, I don’t know. But looking back, I know I got comfy enough to shift my focus on everything except me and my well-being and my future and my career, my dreams and aspirations, and everything else that would matter if the plans to be together forever were to change. I just didn’t think about it much. My own individuality was secondary. Me!, I left myself for people that left me. I ‘d like to one day possess natural organic love. Comfortable enough to be self. While growing together, but always keeping a sense of individuality. Keeping self. Never losing self again. I feel like I’ve lost her before...and haven’t gotten her back since. But I’m working on it. Working on being. Naturally being and naturally becoming. No pressure when it comes to being. I AM ENOUGH, more than enough to most. Too much for many. God is love