Can I be transparent? If you have been keeping up with my writings, and reading as I post, then you may recognize how “love” has hurt me. I’ve shared and expressed my pain through my writings. At one point, I recognized I was only able to write from a hurt place, and it was time to take a step back to focus on healing this little heart of mine. I don't want to be one of those hurt people. A person that dwells on the past and seeps in her pain. I don't want to be a bitter woman. I want to one day heal and be able to love wholeheartedly again. I desire to love with no need for boundaries. I want to love without any evidence of my past wounds. I want to love better because of what I may have experienced in love, not use it as an excuse to never love again. Not a hardened heart. I ask God to keep me soft, and not allow me to totally isolate myself from the possibility of the love that my heart actually desires and deserves. In my process of healing, my first step was to recognize that I needed healing. Because I loved to believe i was okay, when in fact, I was not. I actually needed to come to the realization that I needed to take time out for myself. That the temporary band-aids were not my fix. That it was okay to take time apart from everyone and everything to heal, for real this time. I realized that every time I thought I was “healed” I would dabble back into the very thing/person that hurt me. Only causing the wound to deepen and the healing process to lengthen. I had to decide that THIS time was going to be the last time, and this time I was going to allow my heart to heal completely. It hurt too bad. Every time I went back to what hurt me, thinking I could handle the aftermath, or thinking I was okay enough to deal, but it would only worsen. Leading me to fall deeper into misunderstanding. It made room for new memories, new thoughts and new exchanges of energies, which then gave me more reasons to re-visit the idea of an “us.” Another rendezvous to remind me of how great of a connection we had, or how organically we vibed, and how silly we were together. Since we laughed a lot, I smiled a lot, which means I was happy, right? Psyching myself into revisiting the friendship that was now wayyyy more than that, since we’ve crossed those lines. And that often left me feeling alone and empty once the rendezvous ended. In the beginning stages of the healing process, it was much easier to remember the reasons I wanted in, than it was to remember the reason I wanted out. I would dwell on the reasons why I loved him so much, or why I thought it was perfect, rather than why not. Like, why it would hurt every time I tried? Why I would feel drained explaining the same concepts of love? Forgetting to simply remember, “Ummmm... Jaina, HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!” The why so’s feels good to know, but the why not’s are so much more important. To understand why some things just can NOT be. I thought the whys were more important than the why nots, because why dwell on the reasons that initially hurt me.? But that was an important part of my healing process, and still is. To keep WHY NOT on my mind. Every time I thought I wanted to fight for a relationship that didn't deserve me, I had to remember the reasons why it didn't deserve me, and exactly how that reality was presented to me. Remember that!?? The reality that it was NOT, and could never be under the circumstances. But those same why nots were the same why nots that I made excuses for, that ultimately put me in the position I am in with love. The laughs, the chemistry, the fun, and the nature of our love excused his inability to commit, his lack of communication, the lack of reciprocation, AND OH! JAINA, HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!! Excusing facts for the fantasy of a lovelife with him, but the facts still remained. (Now, before you go judging me...a girlfriend I had zero knowledge of after TWO+ years of dating this guy. By the time I found out, I had shared too much of myself to write him off and call it a loss. Again, excuses!) So, 1.) I realized that I needed to take the time out to actually heal, like for real. I had to quit pointing the finger at him, when ultimately I was the person that had myself, and kept myself in this position. I allowed myself to excuse the facts, and ignore the truths of the matter. 2.) I had to remember to remember the why nots. All the reasons why it never worked. All the reasons why I would always turn back in disgust. Why nots so sickening that I would never turn back. For no reason, not even for the “friendship.” Which was the ultimate hoax that kept me holding on. “But he’s my friend!” You could recognize how awesome a person is, and how awesome they are with you, but it still wouldn't make them good for you. Cake, cookies, and candy are all great...but are not good for you. People would even recognize the gifts and greatness on the inside of you and want to be involved, but still would not know how to treat you. People could see that you add value, but not value you. And most times, that has everything to do with the boundaries that were set, or the lack thereof, in this case.

Before intentionally getting out of my funk because of heartbreak, my mind stayed in a dark place. I felt like I wasn't enough. I would feel like I wasn't worthy of love, or why not me. Why didn’t he choose me!? I was hurt. I felt like I had given my all, and had nothing else left to give. Not even to myself. I neglected myself. I was in the dark, woke up in the dark, and left myself there for a good minute. About 5 weeks at a time. I would sporadically snap out of it, then return. This cycle for about 4 months. Back and forth between healing, and “I think I’m healed.” back and forth between, “I’m done” and “lets see.” between “I’m blocking you” and “call me!” between “this is toxic” and “let’s do lunch tomorrow.” between “I hate you, bruh.” and “I can't stop loving you.” It was a never ending cycle that only dug me deeper into a hole, nobody could help me out of. Not even the person that landed me there. Though I wanted his help, he couldn't help me out. He didn’t know how, he couldn’t. It wasn't for him to do. Expecting him to help me get over him only dug me deeper, and when I realized this...that was a wrap. It wasn't for us, and I had to now focus on my healing. Many quiet days. Many days, I didn’t smile. Not even crack a smile. Many mornings I woke up in a state of depression, and went to sleep in that same state. Many days my mother would tell me “it’s okay my baby” and I didn’t believe her. Many times I would just bust out crying, out the blue, for no apparent reason, except for the reasons I conjured up. I was in my head. My mind raced day after day, reminding me of every memory, all day long. Forgetting to remind me why I was so much better than this. I cried everyday. I cried enough for a lake. It took a lot of energy, ran me dry, and I was exhausted. My depression kept me in bed, with no motivation to move forward in any aspect of my life. Personal, nor work related. Days I would force myself out of the bed, in hopes that I could smile at something, for whatever reason. I hated feeling like this, but did not know how to shake it. I didn’t know which way to step to take a step forward, so I took a step back. I began to reflect. I began to pay attention to my feelings, what and why they made me feel that way. Everyday reflection. Reflecting on me, and the role I played in where I was in my life. Reflecting on all the things working, and everything I do have to be thankful for. Things I’m grateful for, people that never left my side, and how I’ve come out of darkness before. This wasn't the first time. I got out then, I can get out now. To shift my focus on other things to help my healing, focusing more on all that I am versus what I am not. Focus on why this guy was crazy about me...I mean, I'm awesome. Focus on what all I have to offer, and the kind of guy that deserves all of me the way I had given all of me to him. (and just like that, I’m crying again.) Focus on what's next, and where I see myself. Focus on new life and new levels. Focus on coming out of the funk. Focus on positive thoughts that feed happy thoughts. Focus on the fact that THAT in fact was not for me to have. Focus on the fact that God was, and has always been, protecting me. Focusing on that God actually has a lot more in store than what I was willing to settle for. A lot more than I could even imagine for myself.

Healing, it's a process. A process we, as women, don’t always get the opportunity to follow through with. A process that is very necessary to move forward and be well. A process necessary for both men and women, to become all we are meant to be. HEALING. Indicates that something is broken, or cut, or just not right and needs to be fixed. Healing is necessary for a “like new” experience. A like new heart and a like-new mind...as if it were never tainted by life situations. Such as, heartbreak. Keep notes of the situations as lessons and knowledge, but not adopting it as a part of my life and who I am. To heal, I had to get over myself. Everyday I woke up in my state of depression, I was beating myself up about what I did and did not do. What I had allowed. I beat myself to a pulp. I was the one, I was the reason. I was lonely, he was straight. I was hurting, while he was able to go about his everyday life, as it was before he had ever met me. It was easy for him. Why wasn't it that easy for me? I had to take my position, and forgive myself for everything I wasn’t, and be everything I was meant to be for the sake of my life. My whole life, as it is written, was on the line, I had to forgive myself for leaving myself in the dark. I had to forgive myself for giving up on myself for a moment. I had to reprogram my mind to believe what I already knew. I had to forgive myself for forgetting. I had to remind myself of who and whose I was. My value. Whew!, I’m so valuable. I mean, I don't know any other girl who can do me the way I do me. I don't know anyone who loves the way I do, or creates the way I do. I’m 1 of 1. I don’t know of anyone who gives the way I give, or keeps it real the way I do. Not like me. You can ask him, he doesn’t know of anyone either. I don’t know of another girl who has the capacity to love like this. One who pours out the way I do. I just don’t know of anyone. And talented! And multifaceted! And just overall awesome. I hold value, I add value, I am valuable. And I am very worthy. A total blessing to any and everyone I have come across. My goal is to be healed, completely and to love wholeheartedly, and without fear again. It’s a process, and it’s going to be a process. An ongoing process, on purpose, everyday until it becomes habitual. So, 1.) I had to realize, and decide that I am going to heal. Decide to start the healing process. 2.) I had to remember the reasons why not, on purpose. Remember the reasons I kept leaving in the first place. 3.) I had to feel my feelings and face them. Spend time with myself. Pick my feelings apart and understand my triggers. 4.) Decide to never re-visit the source of the pain. For no reason, not even for a good laugh. Actually heal “like new” versus a temporary patch it up. For real this time. 5.) I had to realize that he couldn't help me out of what he put me in. Although he is a good dude, he is no good for me and keep it pushing. It’s my responsibility to climb out of this. 6.) I have to forgive myself for putting myself in this situation/cycle, over and over again. Time and time again. Because how could I have been so stupid!? Forgive Yourself! and 7.) I have to remember how valuable I am. Reprogram my mind to believe what I already know. Believe it, and know it, in my heart...and just like that I can smile again. Just like that, I am open to new friendships. Just like that; I’m intentionally working towards my healing everyday, on purpose. Hoping my healing process inspires writings from a happier place, and y’all are able to feel the difference. I’ll keep y’all posted.